girl versus kitchen
I don’t know if this is normal, but sometimes I wonder what David Attenborough would say about me if I were as alien and beautiful as the blue whale or the puma. Can’t you just hear his rich, erudite...
View Articlegirl versus dancefloor
Think of the dancefloor like a savannah, and the dancers like a food chain. At the top of the food chain, comfortable in their territory, are the big cats: well-dressed misters and rhythm-hipped...
View Articlegirl versus period
Local supermarket, 8pm. I’m in tracksuit pants and no bra. The checkout operator smirks as he puts my items in a plastic bag. Two blocks of Caramello. Panadol. Tampons. The glint in his eye says: ‘I...
View Articlegirl versus unemployment
Have you ever woken up at 1pm only to curse at your misfortune for having just missed Ellen? Looked up from page 229 of your Tumblr dashboard to marvel at Judge Judy’s limitless sass? Zoned out in...
View Articlegirl versus five-year plan
I have reached a fork in the road of my life. Unfortunately it is not a literal fork that I can plunge mercilessly into a huge bowl of pasta. It’s a metaphorical fork that forces me to make a choice. I...
View Articlegirl versus strip club
I am writing this with a very powerful hangover. My best friend is getting married in three weeks and last night we celebrated her love and commitment with plastic penis paraphernalia and tequila shots...
View Articlegirl versus body
Hey body, It’s time for us to talk about your little renovations. I know you’re 25 now, and you’re thinking about settling down, but I’ve got a bone to pick with you. You’re too big for all of my...
View Articlegirl versus one night stands
You wake up in the morning and you’re in someone else’s bed. You calculate that there is a 75% chance you will need to vomit within the next hour. You are not sure whether you want to roll over and see...
View Articlegirl versus payday
I get paid fortnightly. It’s not even one of those lucky arrangements where my salary and my student allowance fall on alternate fortnights, leaving me with a coincidental weekly income. One lump sum...
View Articlegirl versus wardrobe
I have this picture on my wall of fashion designer Katharine Hamnett meeting Margaret Thatcher in 1984. Hamnett, who had just been named designer of the year, was invited to Downing Street and, seizing...
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